Mom Years Are Like Dog Years

They say that every calendar year for us is seven years in "dog years". I'm sure you've heard that. Your dog is ten years old? That's seventy years in dog years. OK, we all get that.

The effect of having children should be measured the same way.

For every child you have, you should:
  • Add six years to the age of your bladder.
  • Subtract twenty I.Q. points.
  • Add six ounces of wine to your recommended daily consumption.
  • Add 500 calories (preferably in chocolate) to your daily diet.
  • Lower the altitude of your ta-tas by 12 degrees.
  • Add 10 gray hairs, compounded annually, until they reach adolescence, and then increase the gray hair exponentially until your children have grandchildren of their own.
  • Subtract 5% of your patience quotient.
  • Forget 15% of what you learned in school. (To be demonstrated when you help them with their homework.)
  • Subtract 10% from your financial stability.
  • Increase your sleep requirement by one hour.
  • Add 2 more cups of coffee to your morning, just to get you started.
  • Subtract 5 opportunities for lovemaking with your honey every day. But don't worry, because those opportunities just go into a savings account for when you're empty nesters.
  • Most of all, increase your amazingness by 500%, because we all know that Moms RULE and Dads are pretty cool, too.