Letting Go When You Didn't Know You Were Holding On


Ever since the first time I saw this part of Montana, I knew I wanted to live here. The trees and the water, wildlife and simpler living: all very appealing to a country girl like me. And three weeks ago, it happened! I moved to our precious little slice of heaven.

Moving equals purging, you know. Especially if the move is going to mean a major lifestyle change. All those pairs of stilettos? Gone. I even got rid of some of my cookware. This was more difficult than the shoes, I must say. I did pack up my Maywine, which is funny really, since it came from here in the first place.

I brought my guard dog, of course:
My beautiful sister and I road tripped it up here, had a fun week together before she flew back to Arizona, and then....then the learning really started.

I started my new job two weeks ago, and I learned some important things. Although not about the job so much. Oh, I have plenty to learn about that, of course. No, what I have been learning these past two weeks is really about myself.

The last time I was "caught up" at work was well over 10 years ago. Three weeks ago, I might have defined my last two jobs as stressful, but I realized this week that a lot of that was of my own manufacturing. I thrive on problem solving, on learning all I can about all different aspects of whatever is at hand, on deadlines and on workplace challenges. 

So there I was, in a nice, quiet, efficient one-woman office, where everything is already organized and perking along nicely...and I felt frantic. Frenetic. Feverish to absorb every kernel of information as quickly as possible and practically manufacture problems, just so I could solve them.

In a moment of blinding clarity, I said to myself, "Self, what the hell are you doing?" 

Looking at my metaphorical white-knuckle grip on the stress I apparently love to generate, I willed myself to chill. Relax. Simplify. Embrace the fact that I am now working fewer hours, a more human pace, with the previously-inconceivable possibility of being CAUGHT UP. 

And at the end of the day, I still have enough juice in my battery to write. Practice my guitar. Play with my puppy. Clean! Or simply sit on the porch and admire the stunning beauty of my new home. 



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Perfect Moments

Perfect? Maybe. Sometimes perfection arrives in a ephemeral glimpses, like bubbles floating around.

Last night, it was dinner outside by a nice fire. Comfort food, good beer, warmth and the companionship of my sweet hubs. No music, no TV, no nothing. Just listening to each other and to the crackling of the fire. It was perfect.

 I think the key to a happy life may very well be in taking the time to notice a bubble of perfection like that...before it pops.

Love, Demonstrated

One thing that was a turning point in being a grown up, married person was when I learned how to see the love in what my husband was doing--instead of expecting him to show me love the way I thought it should look. This week, he is doing something for me that could be easy to overlook as an expression of his love.

I'm half-heartedly looking for an SUV. I say "half-heartedly" because I will probably have to give up the car I have now, which I love-love-love. As in L.O.V.E. love. He really couldn't care less about things that I like, such as heated leather seats, satellite radio and navigation. But he is carefully looking for what I want, and not necessarily what he thinks I should want. I know he would probably rather I would pick a truck like his, and he prefers cloth seats to leather.

Instead, he is looking for MY preferences. That is a very sweet expression of love: he isn't trying to find "good enough", or something to make do with. He isn't rationalizing that I put very few miles on a vehicle and therefore don't really need any bells and whistles. He isn't pushing his preference and he isn't contesting any of my reasons for what I want from a vehicle. He just wants me drive something that makes me happy. And he is loving enough to be content with the knowledge that what makes my skirt fly up about a vehicle is different than what he wants in his daily driver, and that is OK.

Oh, how I love that man.

Dilemmas and Decisions

What to do? Until I can figure out how to squeeze more hours out of the clock, I'm just not finding the time!

So what do I choose?

  • Clean?
  • Cook?
  • Practice guitar?
  • Practice Spanish?
  • Visit Mom?
  • Work on the basket I started?
  • Work on the novel I started?
  • Work on this blog?
  • Read the book I started?
  • Make the clothes I bought the fabric for?
  • Read the other book I started?
Aaaack!