To SFs ISO LTR

I don't know if there is a pathology to this, but sometimes my hubs and I get a kick out of reading personals on Craigslist in different cities: places we've never been and are never likely to go.

Being the voyeuer astute observer that I am, I noticed some common things on those ads. OK. I am IN an LTR, I am not single, I hope to never be single again, I'm well into my middle years and I know that I don't have a dog in this fight. So I'll talk to you like you were my own darling daughter, of which I have none, and tell you what an old married woman sees in some of those personal ads.

• You describe yourself as an outdoorsy, active, tomboyish ball of fire, but you post a picture of yourself in schlumpy, holey yoga pants, sitting on a pink-flowered couch with a foo-foo doggie in your lap and pigtails in your hair. The picture is not working, dear.
• You say you're looking for a sensitive, intelligent man with a sense of humor. Then you don't bother to proofread your own post, use punctuation, attend to your spelling or complete a sentence. This is your chance to make your very first EVER impression on someone. You're screwing it up.
• You describe yourself as a BBW or as having great curves, but you post a picture of yourself in an oversized tee and sweatpants. If you have great curves, dress them, show them and be proud. Stand up straight and smile like you mean it. You are beautiful. Quit hiding in a football jerseys.
• You tell us you're looking for a serious relationship and are done with one night stands. Then you post a picture of yourself with your girls hanging out (probably hanging out with your girls, too, but that's not the point), in some dive bar with a margarita the size of a fish tank in one hand, a cigar in the other and a glazed look in your eyes. WTF?
• You describe yourself as fun, free-spririted, open-minded and lighthearted. Then you go on to say that your ideal match will be college-educated, at least 6 feet tall, no facial hair, dark hair preferred, must not have children or dogs, must be a vegan, must be a Democrat, must.... must.... must.....   Yeah, honey. You sound like a really open-minded ray of frickin' sunshine.

Maybe you could try posting a picture of you at your very best at this time in your life. In real clothes that actually fit, sober, smiling and without props. Don't let your toddler or your dog take the pix, get someone with some actual taste and discernment to help you. Leave your pet out of the picture, too. It looks like you're trying to use Fluffy as a cover. Don't wear your schlumpy frumpies and console yourself by saying you'll post a better picture when you lose ten pounds. Be your best NOW. Using your prom picture isn't fair if you're over 21; it's more like false advertising.

Tell them what you like, but leave all your dislikes for later in the conversation. It just sounds bitchy when you start a conversation with "I don't like this and I don't like that." When you describe what is important to you in a match, imagine yourself as the reader. How would you like it if a man described his perfect match by her cup size or the size of her ass? That road goes both directions, sisters. You're more than that number on the scale, and so is he.

Online dating is the wave of the future, I hear. OK. That doesn't really change the rules, though. Be nice. Smile. Mind your manners. Leave something to the imagination. Behave like the woman your momma raised you to be (or should have, anyway.) :D

And Happy Hunting!