Rules for Living

We all know the basic rules of life.  Don't spit into the wind, don't pet a tiger unless he's wagging his tail....  stuff like that.  I have a few more to add to the list:

• If you are divorced, do not marry a second spouse who has a name similar to your first spouse.  The same is good, but if you can't get someone with the same name, get someone with a very different name.  If your first wife was named Christine, for heaven's sake don't marry a Krista!  You can't win at this.  You'll accidently call wife 2 by wife 1's name and this is never appreciated.
• Do not name your children with names that all start with the same consonant.  You'll get stuck, I promise:  "Daniel, David, Donald....darn it!  Get over here!"
• While I'm on names, be nice when you're naming your children.  I went to school with a Rose Budd.  Seriously.  How is a kid supposed to get through school that way?  Try out the names together and make sure they can't be easily twisted into something dirty, stupid or funny.  And don't forget to figure in what their initials are going to spell.  Life's hard enough without having strikes against you from the beginning.
• Never underestimate the will of an old woman.
• Don't believe everything you hear.... or anything that you see on youtube.
• Bathroom scales are evil things and should be avoided at all costs.  Except to weigh stuff you're selling on Ebay.
• Even if you are very comfortable with your parents and your in-laws, don't mention your sex life to them.  They truly do not want to know.  They might smile and nod their heads, but they don't want to know.
• If a problem can't be solved by a kiss, wine, chocolate and/or ice cream, give it to God.  He'll know what to do with it.
• If you want a really, REALLY good dog, then only have one dog. An only dog will think it's a person and act accordingly.  Put two dogs together and they suddenly realize that they're dogs.
• Smile.
• When you grow up and move out of your parent's home, you are no longer a child when you visit them.  You're a houseguest.  Act like one.
• Invest yourself in the moment at hand.  You'll be a better listener, a better driver, a better parent, a better lover, food will taste better and flower will smell sweeter...if you give your full measure of attention to each thing as it presents itself.