The Shoes

Well, y'all had quite a few comments about my shoe collection in my post about what some future archaeologist would make of me when they dug up my house. Let me tell you a little story about shoes.

I was in the Famous Footwear in Mesa, Arizona, waaaay back in the clearance racks which is my favorite place to start. I'd found an adorable pair of copper metallic pumps and was trying them on. A very nice-looking woman, who was also trying on shoes, said "Oh, those are adorable! You SO need to get those."

"They're very comfortable, too. I'm not sure I can resist these." I said. I say that a lot and my closet proves that I mean it.

"My husband told me just the other day that I need to wear some prettier shoes, but I could never manage a heel like that." She said.

Being Miss Helpful Hannah, I said, "I saw a really adorable pair of floral flats over there, too." She was shopping in the same size I was.

A few minutes later, I saw her checking out. She bought another pair of square-toed, black, comfortable, practical, I-give-up, cloggy-looking mules...almost identical to the brown ones which were on her feet. Another pair of ugly ass shoes that might work for when you have to dig turnips out of the garden.

That pretty woman missed her husband's point. He was tired of seeing her in masculine, ugly, "comfortable" shoes. I hate to tell you this, sisters, but "comfortable" shoes are about as sexy as a bad case of monkey butt.

If wearing your pink crocs or your clean flip-flops means that you're dressed up for date night, you really need to rethink the meaning of shoes. If you think that your man doesn't notice shoes, then I challenge you to get a pair of rocking sexy stilettos and see if he fails to notice. He doesn't want to look at your clunky clogs. That is not the same thing as not noticing.

Before you jump my case about back problems and bunions, etc. etc., let's just define a feminine shoe. It should make your foot look dainty. It should be pretty, not clunky. It should accentuate the curve of your leg. It should never look more at home on a prison guard than on a hot babe like you. If a shoe makes you look like you can easily kick his ass into next week, it isn't doing you any favors.

If your shoes look exactly like the orthopedic dregs that my Grandma had to wear (and I am old enough to be a Grandma myself!), then they are too old and ugly for anyone who can still get up from a chair unaided.

You don't have to tippy toe around the mall in sky-high heels. Get a pair of cute, feminine flats. Instead of cheap rubber flip-flops, how about a pair of embellished sandals or a fun wedge?

But don't ever underestimate the pure, raw, estrogen power of a pair of great stilettos. They are truly a woman's show of her intimidating womanly strength. If you think men only think of them as the shoes of a sex kitten...You. Are. Mistaken. Try rocking a pair of serious black-patent pumps and see what happens. The right pair of heels can make you look as authoritative and sophisticated as you ARE.

If you're brave enough to wear a real show-stopping shoe, you'll be stunned at how many compliments you receive. People will seriously stop you in the grocery store. I know. It's happened to me. (In my case, it's a pair of red polka-dot pumps with a 5" heel.) Of course, you have to make sure the rest of your outfit is conservative if you want to pull off a bold reptile pump at the office. With a clean silhouette in a neutral palette on your upper half, you can wear a pretty damn wild shoe and look fabulous.






It's easier than you think, all you girls with practical shoes. Here are tips from a confessed shoe girl:

• No square toes. None. Always rounded, maybe pointed, but never never NEVER square! The square-toed, rounded instep, chunky low heel is the hallmark of an old lady shoe. No one is ever old enough to wear them.

• If they look anything like the shoes seen on people in the nursing home (nurses or residents, either one), pass them by.

• If they require socks, skip them.

• If they require no guts whatsoever to wear them, don't bother.

Life is short, sisters. Wear cute shoes. Get more respect, more compliments and turn a few heads. If your husband has made a comment like, "Why don't you wear girl shoes?", you might also find that cute shoes will get you more cuddles and maybe some more sex! 

Thanks to Google images for all the pix.