I can't begin to give you an example of usage for every one of these. I think you just need to read them, imagine the picture they paint for you, and see if you can fit any of them into your life. Maybe they'll help you say something you really need to say. Someday. Ignore the grammar. Who cares about grammar in a situation like this?
- Darker than the inside of a cow.
- Higher than a cat's ass.
- You got one kid, you got a whole kid. You got two kids, you got half a kid. You got three kids, you ain't got no damn kids at all.
- Lay down with dogs and you'll get up with fleas.
- He's so full of sh!t, you could set him down in the garden and grow another one just like him.
- You ought not poop where you sleep. (VERY wise marital advice!)
- He couldn't find his ass with both hands.
- Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every now and then.
- I'm so broke I'll have to borrow money to buy water to cry with.
- If I get any happier, I'll have to hire someone to do half my smiling.
- Beware the steaming mud pie.
- Something in the milk ain't white.
- Don't ever walk behind a horse, before a bull or away from your wife.
- Tighter than two coats of paint. (as in CHEAP!)
- Tighter than tree bark.
- Shaking like a dog sh!tting peach pits.
- Common as cornbread.
- Drier than a popcorn fart.
- He ain't got the sense that God gave a turkey.
- That smells like the north end of a jackass walking south.
- Busier than a one-armed man with the jock itch.
- Hornier than a 3-peckered billy goat.
- Nobody ever teases the dog that just lays on the porch.
It means, "It's like an angel has peed on your tongue."
That right there is a compliment. I don't care who you are.