Words of Wisdom....or not

Today my dear friend laughed at something I said, and I wasn't really making a joke.  My friend is a city girl and I am decidedly NOT a city girl,  Some of my rural sayings and figures of speech amuse her.  I can't understand it.  Those expressions paint a colorful word picture and describe an image better than mere prose could ever do.  I admit some of the sayings should probably stay in the barnyard with the rest of the manure....in other words, if you're apt to blush then you should go visit some other blog today.

I can't begin to give you an example of usage for every one of these.  I think you just need to read them, imagine the picture they paint for you, and see if you can fit any of them into your life.  Maybe they'll help you say something you really need to say.  Someday.  Ignore the grammar.  Who cares about grammar in a situation like this?

  • Darker than the inside of a cow.
  • Higher than a cat's ass.
  • You got one kid, you got a whole kid.  You got two kids, you got half a kid.  You got three kids, you ain't got no damn kids at all.
  • Lay down with dogs and you'll get up with fleas.
  • He's so full of sh!t, you could set him down in the garden and grow another one just like him.
  • You ought not poop where you sleep.  (VERY wise marital advice!)
  • He couldn't find his ass with both hands.
  • Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn every now and then.
  • I'm so broke I'll have to borrow money to buy water to cry with.
  • If I get any happier, I'll have to hire someone to do half my smiling.
  • Beware the steaming mud pie.
  • Something in the milk ain't white.
  • Don't ever walk behind a horse, before a bull or away from your wife.
  • Tighter than two coats of paint. (as in CHEAP!)
  • Tighter than tree bark.
  • Shaking like a dog sh!tting peach pits.
  • Common as cornbread.
  • Drier than a popcorn fart.
  • He ain't got the sense that God gave a turkey.
  • That smells like the north end of a jackass walking south.
  • Busier than a one-armed man with the jock itch.
  • Hornier than a 3-peckered billy goat.
  • Nobody ever teases the dog that just lays on the porch.
I'll leave you with my favorite saying....a compliment to good cooking that comes from my beloved Holland family.  In Holland, when something is really delicious and just makes your tastebuds sing, you say, "Net als een engel op je tong plaste."  Grandma said that once about my cheesecake. 

It means, "It's like an angel has peed on your tongue."

That right there is a compliment.  I don't care who you are.

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Joy.

I know a little bit about joy.  Even though I am far from having attained perfect joy, I have learned a few things about it.  I know that joy comes from clear vision, sensible expectations and an honest appraisal of what is real and true and now.

Sitting around, waiting for more money, more stuff, more status..........that's not the road to contentment.  Oh, sure.  More money and more stuff and more status would be nice. But I can't sit here waiting for some golden day.  So I look around me, and I search for the joy to be found in little daily moments. 

My grandma was the first person in my life to point out the way to achieve happiness.  She lived through hardships that would crush a lesser woman, and kept her head high and her heart light.  When grandma was pushed into an arranged marriage, she opened her heart to him and found an abiding love that would last the whole of her life.

When economic depression, war, poverty and famine forced Grandma and Grandpa to emigrate to a new country, Grandma found a country to love and new hope.  She went to the doctor one day.  She felt under the weather and attributed her ennui to "the change of life".  The doctor, smiling, informed her that her life was indeed about to change.  She was pregnant.  He youngest child was an adult, and now she was pregnant again.  Tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor. 

I'm not sure how I would feel about it if God played that particular joke on me (I am now just a few years younger than she was then).  Grandma, ever graceful and resilient, found renewed youth in her unexpected blessing.

Grandma didn't exactly teach me to be joyful.  She did teach me, through her inspiring example, that there is joy waiting for us every day.  We only have to choose to see it.  Dark days come and our attention is forced onto the difficult tasks.  But joy stands by, waiting patiently for us to notice it.

I had a good day.  It was not a perfect day, but it was good.  I did not get as much done at work as I would have liked.  But I have a job.  My husband is far away right now.  But he is well, and he called so that I got to hear his voice.  Two friends came over this evening and we had a snacking dinner and watched an old movie.   My sweet baby boy, nearly 18 years old is always a pleasure to spend time with.  My darling eldest, 22 next week, is healthy and safe on American soil.  That might not seem like much to ask..........unless you're an Army mom, too, and then you'd understand.

It's almost time to plant our little garden.  For me, that will mean fresh kitchen herbs, ripe tomatoes and green chilis.  That is always something to be thankful for.  My health is good, my tummy is full, I've a roof over my head and a warm bed waiting for me.  How could I be anything BUT happy?

A Little Hump Day Prayer

Dear God,

I'm halfway through a trying week.  Thanks for getting me this far.  I have a little laundry list of things I want to mention.

Thanks for lighting that little fire under my youngest one's rump.   Thanks for the talent You gave him in track, now thanks also for helping him find his passion for it!

Thanks for the blossoming fruit trees;  they're beautiful.  Not so much on the pollinating juniper trees.

Thanks for the good health that my family and I are enjoying.

Thanks for the spring breezes, but I've had enough now, thank you.

Give my sweet hubs a safe trip to the cabin, a good time while he's there and a safe trip home to me?

Thanks for keeping my soldier boy safe.  Please continue doing that!  Guide him to learn patience.  On behalf of his girlfriend, can I also ask that You guide him to learn some sensitivity, too? 

Thanks for my lovely town, my happy home, my good job and my .... um.... interesting family. 

Thanks for bringing a good new home to my 3 lizards.  Frankly, Lord, if I'd known the little suckers could live for 25 years, I never would have said, "yes"!

Thank You for all of it, Father.  I'm grateful for my loving family, my dear friends, my warm bed and my full tummy.  I'm even grateful for that obsessive-compulsive dog. 

So, how's it going with You?  Has anyone bothered to admire Your hard work lately?  Have we shown our love and appreciation?  Have we been listening when You talk to us?